You're next
A young blonde woman is distraught because
she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and
buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with
a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The
husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot
herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut
up...you're next!''
Drunk
3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew
that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again.
Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave
him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped
the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he
asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control
your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
To Absent Brothers
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and
sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When
he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The
bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it
would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman replies,
'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in
Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that
we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together. 'The
bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The
Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he
orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of
them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other
regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar
for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your
grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.' The
Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh, no, ' he says, 'Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!
Flying First Class
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant
approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that
she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde
replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm
not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant
asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking
her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde
replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm
not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the
captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde,
and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and
whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the
coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say
so." Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he
said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. The pilot
replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New
York."
Salesman of the Year
A young guy from Texas moves to California and
goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says,
"Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I
was a salesman back home in Texas. "Well, the boss liked the kid so he
gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close
and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got
through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How
many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The
boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss
says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new
fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down
at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to
the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he
said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to
the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss
said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat
and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife
and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing"
Cow
The only cow in a small Iowa town stopped giving
milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just
across the state line in Wisconsin for $200. They bought the cow from
Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the
time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a
bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never
have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put
it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came
close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull
tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in
his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was
very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever
the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the
back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs
off. An approach from the side, she walks away to the other side." The
Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy
this cow in Wisconsin?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had
ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise
Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in
Wisconsin?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from
Wisconsin."
Plain English
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do
all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination
was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain
English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just
lazy."
"Okay," said the man "Now give me the medical term so I can
tell my wife."
Monkey
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking
down the road when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young
lad, I think you had better take that monkey to the zoo." The next
day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder
again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, "Hey
there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!" The boy
answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema."
Potatoes
Newlywed wife to her husband:
"That is why I can't stand you - you are so unpredictable. On Monday
you liked the potatoes, Tuesday you liked the potatoes, Wednesday you liked
the potatoes, Thursday you said you loved the potatoes preparation, Friday
you liked the potatoes, Saturday you liked the potatoes and now all of a
sudden on Sunday you say that you don't like potatoes."
Still nothing
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says,
"Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives
him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't
work, let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and
prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL
nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information
about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a
living?"
"I'm a musician."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get
something to eat!"
Overweight
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a rigid weenie, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
If everything's going your way, you're driving in the wrong lane
Talk is cheap - until lawyers get involved
Hard work has a future payoff, but laziness pays off now
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that
Success is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm
Beat the five o'clock rush - leave work at noon
There's no future in time travel
So long
TN
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